Fuck Yeah Black Books

Comments? Questions? Submissions? Poems about Manny's beard? Email me: jaimelereve@gmail.com

Oct 17

Love Song - Part Troll

I was alone, my heart was cold, it was a stone, My soul was lonely like a stone there was no moss. And when I danced, I danced alone, But then I did not dance, because I was alone, so I did not dance. I shuffled through life invisible to all the happy couples Who would mock me with their merry laughter - ha ha ha. The only sound I heard in my lonely silent world was the rusty hammer of my heart, nailing at the hatred in my soul… But then you came… And my life was turned upside down. You showed me the beauty of the things that I had never seen, like a snowflake that melts on the eyelash of a startled deer. Or the painting of the dog that wears a deerstalker and smokes a pipe that made you laugh so heartily, but I had previously thought was rubbish. Or the duck that lands so clumsily on a frozen pond in Winter, but the intoxicating power of our love transforms this simple act into an anthropomorphic drama. Where Mr Duck’s embarrassed and the other ducks are laughing. Quack, quack, quack. And then you left. And I died a thousand deaths and I will die a thousand more. And I thought you were an angel but you turned out to be a whore. And everything has turned to dust, everything is infected with a plague - Why did you have to sleep with Craig? ‘Oh, he’s so sensitive, he’s got a tattoo’ Yeah, carving your name with a compass in my forehead was not enough for you! The snowflake on the eye of the deer has turned to pus that oozes from an open wound… The deer now blinded stumbles into a ravine. The duck lies shredded in a pancake, soaking in the hoisin of your lies. The dog has moved from the pipe to 60 cigarettes a day and coughs his away life in the cold neon research lab of your betrayal. Of your betrayal.

- Bill Bailey


“Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. There’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen!? Do you know how that happened? ‘Cause I’ll tell you. Do you know how he got into that position? He got there by lifting things. Now, you and me, we avoid lifting things. It’s unpleasant, especially heavy things. Even a five-year-old child knows this. He’ll go “No, ha ha, fuck it, no, I’ll go and stick Lego up my arse, I’m not doing that, no no.” He took a different approach. He lifted the heavy… and you know, you lift something if you have to. Piano falls on granny, you lift the piano… ‘cause Granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. Sunday lunch continues. He didn’t do any of that. He went over to the heavy thing, and lifted it, and put it back down and didn’t move it anywhere… and then he did it again, hundreds of times, and he said to people who stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour, “Look how good I am… at lifting the heavy thing, in my underpants.” Now that may seem a little dim. But it was they who said “You’re the man. You’re the one we want to deal with immigration, and water rates, and taxes, and all that kinda shit.” But wait—what we need to know is, how bad was his predecessor at that job? This must’ve been someone who came to work covered in children’s blood every morning.” Dylan Moran

Bernard: Manny, I think it’s time you and I had a little chat about this whole one-day trial thing and how we think it went.
Manny: All right.  I think it went very well.
Bernard: You sold a lot of books.
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: You got on very well with the customers.
Manny: Thank you.
Bernard: I’m going to have to let you go.
Manny: What?!  But I sold a lot of books, I got on with the customers!
Bernard: It’s not that kind of operation.
S01E01, ‘Manny’s First Day’

Bernard: Manny, I think it’s time you and I had a little chat about this whole one-day trial thing and how we think it went.

Manny: All right.  I think it went very well.

Bernard: You sold a lot of books.

Manny: Yeah.

Bernard: You got on very well with the customers.

Manny: Thank you.

Bernard: I’m going to have to let you go.

Manny: What?!  But I sold a lot of books, I got on with the customers!

Bernard: It’s not that kind of operation.

S01E01, ‘Manny’s First Day’


“Because that’s still how Irish people are seen—as twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm, high-stepping it around the world, going ‘I’ll paint your house—but watch out—I might steal the ladder! Oh ho ho!’ Which is only half true!” Dylan Moran (via dailydoseofdylanmoran)

“But we won’t have any genetically modified food, oooh no, we won’t have any GM. Which is a shame, I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro…to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro so it’s a bit of a long shot.” Bill Bailey


S01E02 - Manny's First Day

  • Bernard: You didn't say you were gay.
  • Manny: What? But, er, I'm not.
  • Bernard: But you're interested in lamps.
  • Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in... in women... and lamps. I thought you were. Gay, I mean.
  • Bernard: So did I, for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing!

“Children aren’t like that, which is why they look so young, ‘cause they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they’re walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they’re walking. And it’s a great walk as well, it’s not an adult sort-of amused shuffle, it’s that ‘I’m going over here.’ And you say ‘Why are you going over there?’ ‘Because I have a harmonica.’ ‘What are you doing with the harmonica?’ ‘I’m going to put it in the toilet.’” Dylan Moran


Oct 16
“There is one language I can’t understand, because it’s from another planet, another dimension - that is the language of dentists. They speak in some kind of code, it’s quite disturbing and sinister. They’ll talk to you perfectly normally. You’ll be sitting there like that [[simulates someone sitting on a dentists’ couch with some kind of dental equipment in mouth) and they’ll look down at you. ‘Everything alright?’ ‘Yes, thank you very much’. Then, they’ll turn to their assistant, and it all changes then, doesn’t it? ‘Jane. Some four. Some nine over the two. Mix me up some kraal (mimes antlers) over the ma-ma-ma-ma (does something strange with hands) Cheese. Go. Im. Shh. Nuhnuhnuhnuhnuh.’ (in chair, frightened expression) ‘What?’ ‘Seek out the chalky dust of the love-salmon’ (in chair, confused expression) ‘What?’ Well, obviously, they can’t refer to the instruments as they appear to us, otherwise we’d be out of the chair in a trice, wouldn’t we? ‘Jane, The Claw.’ (in chair, terrified expression) ‘Hand me The Colonel! The Punisher! The Talons of Saloth Sar!’ Just to let them know I’m onto them I always freak them out right back - they look down and say ‘Everything alright?’ and I look up and I say (in chair, psychotic voice) ‘The pheasant has no agenda” Bill Bailey